Politics: transcript from the first debate

Click on the text for the whole thing. It's really long, but if you just spend five minutes glancing at it, you'll probably be close to passing out laughing.

Thanks to Kevin for the link.

LEHRER: New question, Mr. President, two minutes.

Do you believe the election of Senator Kerry on November the second would increase the chances of the U.S. being hit by another 9/11-type terrorist attack?

THE PRESIDENT: There's not going to be any election of Senator Kerry. It's not going to happen. I'm going to win – and for real this time. Why? Because I'm going to win. So if there's one thing people need to remember about the fact that I'm going to win, it's that I'm going to win!

But you also mentioned terror. Now I know that the voters are terrified of terror. And that's because terror, in all its terriferousness, can not only be really terrifying – it can also be scary. And that's why I'm doing everything I can to make voters more scarededer by the minute. Sure, we Americans like to think how big and tough we are, but at the end of the terrifying day, all it takes is nineteen smelly Arabiacs with boxcutters to get us so terrified, our giant star-spangled gonads shrivel up into teeny-tiny little jerky raisins of terror. And when that happens, the only way to ever feel safe again is to get yourself a permanent supreme leader like me – who should NEVER be questioned or suffer the indignity of participating in some wimpy election.

LEHRER: Ninety second response, Senator Kerry.

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah blabbity blab blah Saddam Osama Aghanistan Iraq blah blah blah I use lots of big words blah blah blah I look like Mr. Ed and sound like him too blah blah blah.