The day when I'm proud to be a redneck

So, much of my residency decisions have centered around not only geography, but that personal conception of self. Am I a fly-over country kind of guy, could I fit into the Smooth of the west coast, could I become snotty enough to make it in the Northeast? Those sort of existential questions.

Thankfully, the folks at Slate clarify this for me, with their highly enlightening segment, Can You Eat Squirrels?, in response to Mike Huckabee's claim that rural Americans will relate to him because he cooked squirrel in a popcorn popper while in college.

In point of disclosure, I do not support the eating of any animals, especially not ones that require such a large shotgun blast to hunt. But I'd like to have a better Explainer video: are there really people in this country so ignorant of Upland South culture that they don't know that people eat squirrels?

Seriously, watch these squirmy New Yorkers jaw-drop as they learn about burgoo, about using non-certified appliances for frying food, and the idea, that, oh my god, people eat meat that runs around in a forest when shotgun shells are cheaper than McDonald's. The latter is a little less relevant nowadays, but, yes, I had family that hunted squirrels because it was more accessible than McDonald's.

I've never been hunting in my life, but I had a hard time explaining the significance of Dick Cheney shooting that guy in the face with a 20-gauge while quail, realizing that my coastal city-folk friends couldn't even conceptualize the process of quail hunting, and how Cheney's inability to follow the most basic of safety precautions on a bird hunt was quite the microcosm for the administration's approach to the Iraq war.

But I digress.

If you don't know that people hunt squirrels, or if you couldn't select an appropriate firearm for doing so, then you have as much to learn about America as I do.

I highly recommend

The Stool Pigeon Memoirs.

Hometown Pride Update

Welcome to 1997, cultural center of Northeastern Kentucky!

First Ashland Starbucks opening Monday

Hometown Pride! The Duct Tape Bandit Strikes

You OWE IT TO YOURSELF to go watch the video. By the way, the hospital in the 15-second commercial prior the clip is the one in which I was born. And I graduated high school with the liquor store employee.

So apparently this was on the Today Show this morning. I saw it on Fark as well, so it must be a big deal, right? And Yahoo! news. Problem was, I heard it the night before from my mother, since this occurred about two miles away from my parent's house.

Without further ado, the Duct Tape Bandit!
This guy is obviously in need of a good forensic psychiatrist.

The More You Know, Nasonex Spanish Bee edition

So I tried to earn my "not worst husband ever" stripes by making Courtney breakfast this morning before she drudges off to work. While the Food network (since my cooking was obviously not enough to hold our attention), this uber-strange ad pops on the screen:

Courtney: Wtf? Why is the bee Hispanic? It sounded like Antonio Banderas or something.

Garrett: (grumpily) He's not Hispanic, I think the bee is Spanish.

Courtney: (knowingly) That's where you are wrong, pitiful derelict intellect!

And she's right, on so many accounts. First: (thank you, Dictionary.com)

Usage Note: Though often used interchangeably in American English, Hispanic and Latino are not identical terms, and in certain contexts the choice between them can be significant. Hispanic, from the Latin word for "Spain," has the broader reference, potentially encompassing all Spanish-speaking peoples in both hemispheres and emphasizing the common denominator of language among communities that sometimes have little else in common. Latino—which in Spanish means "Latin" but which as an English word is probably a shortening of the Spanish word latinoamericano—refers more exclusively to persons or communities of Latin American origin. Of the two, only Hispanic can be used in referring to Spain and its history and culture; a native of Spain residing in the United States is a Hispanic, not a Latino, and one cannot substitute Latino in the phrase the Hispanic influence on native Mexican cultures without garbling the meaning. In practice, however, this distinction is of little significance when referring to residents of the United States, most of whom are of Latin American origin and can theoretically be called by either word. · A more important distinction concerns the sociopolitical rift that has opened between Latino and Hispanic in American usage. For a certain segment of the Spanish-speaking population, Latino is a term of ethnic pride and Hispanic a label that borders on the offensive. According to this view, Hispanic lacks the authenticity and cultural resonance of Latino, with its Spanish sound and its ability to show the feminine form Latina when used of women. Furthermore, Hispanic—the term used by the U.S. Census Bureau and other government agencies—is said to bear the stamp of an Anglo establishment far removed from the concerns of the Spanish-speaking community. While these views are strongly held by some, they are by no means universal, and the division in usage seems as related to geography as it is to politics, with Latino widely preferred in California and Hispanic the more usual term in Florida and Texas. Even in these regions, however, usage is often mixed, and it is not uncommon to find both terms used by the same writer or speaker. See Usage Note at Chicano.

To add insult to injury, the bee really was Antonio Banderas!

So there you go. Don't a) question your wife, b) muddle the distinction between Hispanic and Latino, which the standard OMB demographic form seems to do, and c) mistake Antonio Banderas for a common Hispanic bee voice.

Which doesn't answer the greatest existential crisis evoked by the commercial. Why the hell is Antonio Banderas the voice of the Nasonex Bee? Only celebrity willing to humiliate himself as a bee besides Jerry Seinfeld? A well-meaning (but totally failing) attempt to be more inclusive, the way that every picture in every textbook or academic brochure that has three people must include two women and two African American, Hispanic, and/or Asian folk, despite the fact that the random probability of those three people actually hanging out is like 1 in 3 trillion? Or does Antonio Banderas only voice Puss-n-Boots after spiking some Nasonex?

Turn Yourself Into a Simpsons Character

Go to simpsonizeme.com, upload a photo of yourself and the application analyzes your face, turning you into an honorary Springfield resident.

Can't wait to get home and try this thing out.

Update: hehehe...

Since I'm in Tennessee/Kentucky, I'll continue along the theme of not posting real content until I'm back in A2. Found this on Feministing, which receives the much more exciting NC-17 tag. I'm not working hard enough. Someone should make fun of Kyle, since Vindicated gets a G. Come on, it's an Anglican blog. That should be at least PG-13 if done right and with significant restraint.

Political quizzes usually tend to fail me (everybody?) miserably, but I found taking both the "How to Win a Fight with a Conservative" and the "How to Win a Fight with a Liberal" quizzes in combination actually meant something to me.

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.

Take the quiz at www.fightconservatives.com

My Conservative Identity:

You are a Free Marketeer, also known as a fiscal conservative. You believe in free-market capitalism, tax cuts, and protecting your hard-earned cash from pick-pocketing liberal socialists.

Take the quiz at www.fightliberals.com

This is a big improvement over other quizzes I've taken which always label me a socialist. Come on, just because Courtney and I really want to get two twin German dogs (debating between giant schnauzers and standard poodles) some day and name them Marx and Engels doesn't mean I don't like the free market.

Maybe Boehner should just write for SNL

From Political Wire:

Quote of the Day

"I promised the President today that I wouldn't say anything bad about... this piece of shit bill."

-- House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), quoted by The Hotline, on the immigration bill.

I generally stay out of immigration debates, as I really just don't know what to say about them. I have no idea what actually does the most good for the least harm in these cases. Some of the reason for that is Eric Schlosser's excellent chapter in Reefer Madness that details illegal immigrant labor in California strawberry fields. Schlosser, who you probably remember better from Fast Food Nation, adequately dissects similar policy propositions as what are being debated now, and they all come up pretty sour. I don't even know what extremists on either side would really propose, short of "close the borders and shoot all the Mexicans" and "open up the borders and let everybody in."

When you're looking for a chocolate-covered black hole

I've found that whenever I have that sort of gut-gripping hopelessness in my head that I just can't quite shake, turning to Uncyclopedia's list of weapons that don't exist, but should is strangely therapeutic. For example:

Radioactive vegetables

Your parents lied to you.

Especially good for killing off large amounts of hippies or vegetarians. As the unsuspecting victim bites into the vegetable, large amounts of radioactive isotopes are injected into their bloodstream, killing them in a matter of seconds. Just don't try to plant them in your backyard.

Note that even if you have not eaten enough vegetables to fulfill the requirements of the Food pyramid, you should never eat vegetables that you know to be radioactive. The Surgeon General has said that the health benefits natural to vegetables do not outweigh the costs of rapid death. Radioactive vegetable producers have started an advertisement campaign claiming that eating vegetables will not affect your health in any way, however there is an asterisk on the end which links to the statement "if you were going to die anyways." written in a very small font.

What better to balance vitriol than a puppy video

Not my puppy.

Link Roundup, Baseball and Robots edition

Baseball's "hitting slump" probably isn't due to de-juiced balls or steroid deterrents, but about the ever-widening strike zone. Which makes sense, since the vast majority of baseball hits are not homeruns. And anybody that's watched Barry Bonds work the count has to wonder if anything that doesn't hit Barry's bat would ever be called a strike.

And more on the neuropsychology of hitting a baseball. Nerdy, but essential for the baseball-watching neuro-fan.

Check out the Top 10 80's Robots (We Expected to Exist By Now). Embarrass-your-self-at-work funny for the people who found link 2 interesting.

Darshak Sanghavi takes Jerome Groopman to task in Slate's book club for his focus on the efforts of individuals in improving health care, which has become an inherently systems-based practice. Groopman's been on a handful of NPR segments to blast doctors for being arrogant and tunnelvisioned, but I've struggled to really put my finger on what about Groopman's arguments really bugged me. Sanghavi proves why he gets to write on Slate, and I get to write on Sparkgrass.

And, from the somebody-had-to-do-the-study department, having a gun at home increases the risk for a death by suicide.

And I thought my high school biology teacher was an idiot (not clairvoyant)

I REALLY wish I had made this story up, rather than being forced to document the sad truth about secondary science education in the Bluegrass State.

Imagine fifteen year old Garrett:

[Biology classroom, fifth period right after lunch. Garrett resumes his daily routine of walking into biology class and promptly falling asleep on his back pack. For some reason, Garrett can't sleep today, and feels a little guilty for being so flippant about a science class. He tries to feign some interest in Ms C's biology lecture]

Ms C: So, you get twins when two sperm fertilize the same egg...

Garrett: [mystified that the state of Kentucky would pay someone to say something like that in a biology class, sits up] Wait, did you just say that twins are caused by two sperm fertilizing the same egg?

Ms C: Yeah, that's how we get twins.

Garrett: [looks around room to other people he knows with IQs over 12, fails to find anyone else even remotely paying attention] But...

[Ms C continues with lecture on nothing, Garrett is able to return to his post-lunch nap with a clear conscience]

But now, Ms C's delusions are newly-minted medical science. Semi-identical twins, produced by the fertilization of one egg with two sperm, have now been documented.

[Cue Fade Music: "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"]

Now if that whole Creationism thing would just pan out, Ms C might win the Nobel Prize.

The Unknown is Unattainable

So Josh sent this to me, and I stared at it with the sound off. He finally IM'ed me to tell me that the sound sorta added something. Strangely hypnotic.

Don't do this at work or anywhere where other folks are going to wonder what the hell you're listening to.

I Don't Want Health Care If Just Anyone Can Have It

How do you seek such truth, Onion?

Health care is all about exclusivity, pure and simple. It's for a group of like-minded people bonded by the dream of only having to contribute a portion of their weekly wages to ensure unfettered access to a number of licensed health care professionals. If we change all that, health care will be about as elite as a public restroom, open to any yokel who waltzes into an emergency room and can legally establish California residency.

202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism

Researchers have identified 202 industrial chemicals and compounds that may be linked to the rise in autism and ADHD. What do you think?

Fake drug, fake illness, real art

For when you've really gotta havidol.

Australian artist Justine Cooper created the marketing campaign for a non-existent drug called Havidol for Dysphoric Social Attention Consumption Deficit Anxiety Disorder (DSACDAD), which she also invented.

But the multi-media exhibit at the Daneyal Mahmood Gallery in New York, which includes a Web site, mock television and print advertisements and billboards is so convincing people think it is authentic.

The theme of the art sort of rubs me just a bit funny, seeing as many of the drugs to which this "campaign" refers are good drugs for real illnesses that have been manipulated into lifestyle enhancers by clever marketing campaigns. I'm not sure if folks have, for example, really been able to develop the nuance that, for example, SSRIs have a place for folks with a real illness of depression, or that some people's health is greatly suffering from an inability to maximize their sleep hygiene, etc.

But I won't over-intellectualize this too much for the moment. The thing's damn funny, either way.

And don't miss the Zing Self Assessment Tool.

We're all better off with headlines like this

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Brings Boston to a Halt

As it should, my friends. As it should. The fact that ATHF has not brought most major cities to a halt in general is a testament only to the lame choices of American television watchers.

If the mooninites are terrorists, then maybe I'm batting for the wrong team.

Wacky Headline Punchdrunk Sing-a-long!

I just had one of those days where there were just too many headlines that dumbfounded me.

N.J. warns: Don't eat squirrel near dump
We the Living Dead: The convoluted politics of zombie cinema
Church hosts 'porn and pancakes' event
Scientist develops caffeinated doughnuts
Teacher reassigned for anatomy drawings
Senator Schilling? Curt’s not so sure, but fans think he’s just the ticket
New York plans official city condom

And from the "no damn duh" category:

Alternative medicine rarely discussed with doctors
Most diabetics don't exercise
Study says skin tone affects earnings
Triptans can ward off orgasmic headaches

Wait, orgasmic headaches? If my headaches were orgasmic, I don't think I'd take Motrin ever again. *rimshot*

Darwin Wins: Those damn shoes with the wheels in the back are dangerous for kids

You've seen them, those 8-year old flying through the mall, their parents nowhere to be seen, with nothing but a pair of ugly-ass sneakers on. And, if you're like my wife and I, you really hoped the kid would run into something and crack its head open.

Apparently, that stuff is happening. I'm personally more worried about the danger of a child being raised by a parent stupid enough to buy these things for their child and let them wear them places like the mall.

My favorite part of the article is that they have to cite a pediatrician to say that the things are dangerous. I hope an MD is not required to understand the physics of kid + wheels = doom.