When you're looking for a chocolate-covered black hole

I've found that whenever I have that sort of gut-gripping hopelessness in my head that I just can't quite shake, turning to Uncyclopedia's list of weapons that don't exist, but should is strangely therapeutic. For example:

Radioactive vegetables

Your parents lied to you.

Especially good for killing off large amounts of hippies or vegetarians. As the unsuspecting victim bites into the vegetable, large amounts of radioactive isotopes are injected into their bloodstream, killing them in a matter of seconds. Just don't try to plant them in your backyard.

Note that even if you have not eaten enough vegetables to fulfill the requirements of the Food pyramid, you should never eat vegetables that you know to be radioactive. The Surgeon General has said that the health benefits natural to vegetables do not outweigh the costs of rapid death. Radioactive vegetable producers have started an advertisement campaign claiming that eating vegetables will not affect your health in any way, however there is an asterisk on the end which links to the statement "if you were going to die anyways." written in a very small font.